Stormy with a Chance for Sunshine: I feel like a bad mommy

Thursday, February 19, 2009

I feel like a bad mommy

I am no the parent I want to be. I am not even a good parent, it feels. I don't *think* that I am a bad parent, but I don't know what else to say. No, I have not EVER struck one of the children. Although, there have been times I have thought about it.
I am not getting up as early as I should. On the other hand, I do always make sure our oldest is up, dressed, and ready to go to school on time for the bus. Then I get back in bed and pass out.
I feel unmotivated, tired, and lazy.
Our house is not nice and tidy all the time, I don't do laundry everyday, or even every other, and the girls have not been getting baths every day.
I just don't feel that I am *good* at this.
I know an outsider would say that I appear to be depressed. The thing is, I have experienced depression... deep dark, bad depression. And this is not like it.
I feel like I am at my wit's end.
This is not what I signed up for. I wanted to take littlies... birth to one or even 18 months. I got roped into birth to three (as in, exactly, 0-36 months), an already defiant age, and ended up with a three year old and a six year old.
I don't know what to do with them or for them.
We aren't *hurting* for money, but it's not falling from our butts either... all I can think to do is spend money on them; the bounce house, the zoo, the museum, the movies... it adds up.

I am feeling bad because I find myself being more gruff and less positive than I was at first, than I want to be. I pick them up with a little more force than is maybe nessessary, but never in a way that will hurt them. I don't read to them, or sing to them, or spend as much time comforting them as I used to. I find myself thinking, if I didn't have kids I could *do this* right now... WHY do they HAVE to make such a huge mess all. the. time.???... I just wish they would BE QUIET... etc.

I have never been a social person, and having kids is a constant social experience. I don't know what to do with that...

I haven't been cooking dinner, instead keeping us out late and eating fast food, with the healthiest options available, but still, fast food...

The girls have not been going to bed on time.

It breaks my heart when they come up to me and say "I love you T"...

I wish I knew how to make things better, but I'm running out of ideas.

-T

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HI! We're so glad you came to share with us!
We would love to hear your thoughts and questions!

The Players- "name"(placement duration) - info including age at placement

3g- our "third girl" ((was Lil1 3 years old- Nov2008-May2009) returned to OUR LIVES Feb 2012 when her sister was placed back with us.) She's growing up to be a beautiful, smart girl who now loves Barbies and reading. She loves being withher family and getting to play with big sister again! Certainly still same issues (OK, more than she used to) but is working hard.
AuntM -Born in 1992, MommyT's Oldest (in contact) sibling. Has a son who she is working hard to be a better-than-hers mother to.
Big1(Nov2008-May2009) - 6 years old. Attachment issues, sex abuse, night terrors, the works! Loves princesses and tinkerbell.
DaddyJ -Born in 1983, Friends with MommaM since grade school, Our fosters call him J, our LMS calls him Daddy
Fe -((was Big1 -6 years old- Nov2008-May2009) returned Feb2012 PERMANENT GUARDIANSHIP granted February 2012) 10 years old. Attachment issues (possible/borderline RAD), sex abuse, night terrors, PTSD, ADHD, possible FAS, Failure to Thrive (or starvation, hard to tell which), physical abuse, the works! Pretends to be an animal 80+ % of the time & will turn anything into an "lets be horses" version, Loves princesses and Tinkerbell; has a fairly mild case of B!eber fever.
Grunt - Born Dec 2008, AuntM's son!. Very smart, and likes to learn. A little rough and tumble, but is quickly becoming a sweet little boy.
Lil1 (Nov2008-May2009) - 3 years old. Attachment issues, maybe sex abuse, sleeps wonderfully. Not anywhere near ready for potty training. Also loves princesses! (and care bears!)
MommaM - born 1983, partnered with MommaT since 2003, carried the baby we're pretty sure we lost before we even confirmed
MommaT- born 1982, partnered with MommaM since 2003 (MommyT's family will usually be tagged with "first Family" because... that's just kinda how it feels)
P and A (12hours)- our first, almost placement. Would have come to us at 18 and 5 months old. Ended up being one day of babysitting for the biofamily.
Sunshine- (July2009 - ADOPTION FINAL July 2010) - 4 years old. CF, PTSD, FAS, RAD, Failure to Thrive, physical abuse, emotional abuse, possible sex abuse. She's a ton of sunshine when she's not trying to kill us!
UncleT - MommaM's big (only) brother... LMS thinks he rocks the Casbah! He is awesomely good with LMS!

Terms and Abbreviations we use

BF/BM/BD -birth family/ birth mom/ birth dad
CFRD - Cystic Fibrosis Related Diabetes
CPS worker/caseworker - - These are the people who are in charge of figuring out the best situation for the children.
Cystic fibrosis (CF) - a disease that causes the body to make thick, sticky mucus. This causes problems in two major areas: the lungs and the digestive system. Cystic fibrosis affects more than 30,000 children and young adults in the United States. It can be mild or severe, depending on the person. http://kidshealth.org/kid/health_problems/heart/cystic_fibrosis.html
FDS (worker) - "family developement specialis" This is the guy who is supposed to be looking out for our best interests. Help the CPS worker place kids with the most appropriate family for their situation.
FPA - Foster Parent Association. A "club" of sorts that runs a non-profit clothes/toy/furniture closet where foster parents can come get what they need for their kiddos, they take donations from FPs/the community/everyone, and donate it only to foster parents, when we're done with it, we can return it or save it to use with the next child. They don't even try to keep record of who has what, just use the honor system. Another great thing about this program is that we can donate the stuff we aren't using, freeing up space in our home.
HUB - CPS intake/call center, where kids go if they need a stop between FF and BF, place where a FEW supervised visits occasionally take place in special circumstances.
PFT - Pulmonary Function Test ==>FEV1 - the percent of the lung that a person can use to circulate air. (Sunshine's current baseline FEV1 is 85%)
Respite - Respite, Inc. A childcare center for special needs kiddos ranging from mild retardation/disability up to severe physical/cognitive disabilities. Every day at respite is pretty much filled with fun, trips, play and art. There are (real) nurses to handle medication(s), everyone is specially trained in how to handle EACH child's individual needs, and there's a ratio of no more than two kids to one adult.

Stormy with a Chance for Sunshine

Thursday, February 19, 2009

I feel like a bad mommy

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The Players- "name"(placement duration) - info including age at placement

Terms and Abbreviations we use