I WANT YOUR INPUT!!!!!

but...
OH MY FREAKING HEART AND HEAD AND ...

....I think I'm gonna throw up...

We got a call this afternoon.

A call that WHY would we even think was even possible?????

...Maybe I'll just cry a little...


We almost ignored it, we often do with unfamiliar numbers.

A caseworker.

From the indian tribe.

...then throw up...

Where big1 and Lil1 went (remember them?).

...then pass right the hey out.

Lil1 is with their little bro, with their BF.

Big1
-has suffered more abuse,
-is living in a "girl's home",
-has had a clinical therapist for the past year,
-is considered "ready to be in a family setting"
-remembers US
The tribal social worker(TSW) has talked to Big1, who remembers us, who says she was happy living with us, and TSW wants to know if we are interested in taking Big1.

As a guardianship placement, outside of state CPS. We would be responsible to file for term of parental rights (tribe can't), and adoption ((well, NOT adoption, but the tribal's equivalent, permanent custody, so BASICALLY adoption)).

ADOPTION.

Tribe is wanting to sever ties and tribal rights. Or that's what they portrayed to MommyM. (At this point it is still icky ICWA involved, I think). Then they gave us the phone# to her clinical therapist and told us that they were sending her an email giving permission to talk to us and (I think, maybe) our info. Not that MommyM didn't immediately call and leave our phone#.

This is so...

Beyond belief impossible, can't be real, inconceivable...

Automatic answer to "would you consider taking Big1?" is... Ya-huh, Uh, Yes, ya-huh, ya-huh, ya-huh. (squeak, choke, tear, giggle-sniffle of disbelief)...

Then she told us lots of stuff, nothing really "breaking confidentiality", then told us to talk...

So...

I want this kid.

I want to do best for Sunshine.

Sunshine is our daughter. Our child. We want what is best for her and to have her best chance in life. Sunshine has been begging us for a sibling since the day Grunt moved back to his mom. Big1 could be a big sister for Sunshine.

Both girls have a big abuse history.

Big1 suffered massive abused before us but was doing so super-well when she left us but was abused again after but she has had a full year of clinical therapy since.

Sunshine has been abused in ways that we still aren't sure all of, but she is doing well and wants a playmate.

When Big1 left, I made sure she knew that there were ways for her to contact us and we would do all we can to help.

This is what we dreamed of, a lot like what we wished for, but we I was never imagining. It's impossible.

If she doesn't call us tomorrow (or next week, or next month) and say they've changed their minds, WHAT THE FREAKING FRACK DO WE DO?!?!?!?!?!???????

I... am excited... and hopeful... and still shaking a little... and scared... and angry... and a little nauseous... and nervous... and wishful... and conflicted... and recognizing a lot of the same feelings I was having when we were deciding take LMS after dropping Big1 off with the tribe... and, frankly, still wondering and missing and thinking about this kid- even almost three years later...

*meep**tear*