Wow Today sucked.

Sunshine is not shining so bright today. She has been hurtful to her mom and everyone who tried to get close while, in true RAD style, being sweet and charming the woo-ing the socks off of anyone else. She is CUTE and FRIENDLY and SMART and WELL-BEHAVED. Unless no one is looking.
This morning she had to get out of bed at a "normal kids' time" (8:30am) instead of "about 8 hours after she finally let herself fall asleep (at 2 am) time."
She is having BIG FEELINGS.
She asked about her "belly mom and belly dad", who we wouldn't really say anything about because WOW, they had a special stack all their own, and they were good enough to realize that they couldn't do it before they... well, did something irreparable! Then she brought up DaddyJ and it alllll went to hell. He is just so heavily on her mind and he's not doing what we thought he could be, what he swore he would be. AND THERE'S NOTHING WE CAN DO ABOUT IT.

Jerk.

Unfortunately, this... HE... makes her fears and history come to the front of her mind... So she can't. keep. control. She is trying to find ways to get things out. We are trying to be great moms and don't even feel like good moms, heck, really we don't even feel like "sufficient" moms... We try to restate that we can handle her big feelings, that we can handle her broken heart, that we are here for her. She throws hate and feet and hands and clothes and body fluids/parts (teeth and nails) at us.
She is grounded to her room for the night for being physically and verbally violent. She is singyelodeling "I LOOOOOOOVVVEEE MY MOOOOOOOOoooooOOOOOOMS!!!!!' In her bedroom now... I feel like there is something wrong here...???


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And "Icky ICWA" court, to give us "permanent guardianship" is in two weeks.
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We have been Sunshine's mommies for 1/3 of her life now.