I talk a lot of junk about our kid. A lot. And I know it. And it makes me feel like a REALLY BAD MOM because I know it sounds and looks like I don't like/love/care about her. I do. I think. I work my butt off to keep her alive and minimally safe. She fights it every step of the way. I don't see myself doing that for someone who I don't care about... and I know I spend all my "positive parent energy" on being positive with/for her... But it makes me feel really bad that I'm not so able to uh... shoot sunshine out my rear. Especially bad that I'm just trying to keep her alive.
A few months ago, I bought annual memberships to the Denver Zoo, DMNS, and DAM. I haven't taken her to any of these. I feel so guilty for this.
But I am afraid to take her to Walm.art to get groceries. How do I drive her to Denver to walk in a facility where she expected to be reasonably quiet, civil, and seemingly sane? I can't even get a salad without her screeching "P3NIS" the entire time we're in the store.
I don't even like to take her to baseball so far this season. She cheers for the other team and throws things and boos when our team scores. She will.not.watch.the.game. She's not fun. She is now tied to the car, and spends her time buckling and unbuckling the harness to the carseat part of the booster, trying to convince us that she will get free and cause an accident.
I'm tired before she goes to bed.
I feel like a bad mom because I get so tired of her cr@p...
I know that inside she's a good kid, but on the outside, she's a terror.
And I don't feel good at feeding her positive images of herself. Even though I do it all day long.
"Sunshine is a good peron."
"Sunshine is caring and kind."
"Sunshine is loving."
"Sunshine is smart."
"sunshine is..."

Frankly, Sunshine is wearing down on my willingness to get out of bed.

Some days, I wish I was the type of person to give up, but I won't until it kills me (and then, I mean, really? would I have a choice????). So, don't worry, I'll still be here tomorrow. I'll still be meeting (heck, exceeding, some days) her needs. I'll still be fighting for Sunshine to come out from behind all this cr@p she's learned to use as coping mechanisms. And maybe, some day, I'll be able to tell everyone about the awesome little girl we've got here. Because I do truly believe she IS awesome.