OK. I always feel like I'm playing catch up.

That or maybe the past couple of days just seem that long.
Sunshine is teaching us what RAD really is. She is just.cold. She is mean, vindictive, hateful, manipulative, and standoffish.

For the past three days, I haven't mentioned that Sunshine has woken up violent and surly. She has threatened to hurt everyone, she has kicked and hit at all the animals, she has hit and kicked MommyT at every opportunity. She has tried to bite. She talks constantly about running away. She spent twenty minutes yesterday trying to bite her own n!pple. She got darned close to succeeding. Finally, we put the (federally certified for this use, therapist approved, as used for this purpose in school buses) wrist ties on Sunshine so that she could not pull her shirt aside to access her body and maim it.

This morning, she broke MommyM's heart. She came over and leaned on MommyM, she said in the sweetest voice, "MommyM, I'm so happy to have had two mommies, and when I leave here, I will remember you," then she tried to snuggle closer but MommyM was more trying to look at her than comfort this little speech, which Sunshine did her best to avoid. I was watching as Sunshine's face turned to ice "but, so I can always remember my favoritest two mommies, I would really like it if you would let me take my bike."

She really broke MommyM's heart. When MommyM realized that she has been being manipulated for a year now. Sunshine says she loves us and our pets all the time. She says she is happy to be here. But our house is never her home, our family is never her family, everything is "ours" and "hers". She is equally caring about MommyM, MommyT, the cats, the dog, her toys, and the old van. (She will sit outside with the van for twenty minutes having a deep conversation about feelings, loneliness, love, family, etc. She will hug and kiss the van.)

She is now actively working to push us away.

MommyT (feels she) has an advantage in that her ability to attach is royally f*cked up. She can force "emotions" and "reactions" that would put a RAD kid to shame. The catch is, there isn't the extreme rage behind it, just a kind of emptiness. And she can spot the falsity with fairly good accuracy. But, at the same time, she can fake the feelings that should be there. MommyM admitted that she realized that T had just gotten to attach after we had been in a relationship for three years.

MommyM, doesn't have that gift problem difference. She was well-attached, had limited care-givers, trusted her primary, and attaches deeply (well, maybe too deeply, and too quickly). In any case, she trusts without question, and with very little effort. She often says that she too has an attachment issue, she just does (attach, that is). She loves quickly, deeply, painfully, and without question. When some one hurts her, she forgives both dropped papers and threats of violence with almost the same ease.

Sunshine devastated her today.

MommyT has a big challenge in that it wasn't a surprise when Sunshine was so cold and manipulative, and it is hard to understand the depth of pain MommyM feels.

MommyM is devastated. MommyM has been working to be a social work major. In the past three days, she has realized that 1) Her career may be complete toilet because of DCFS, 2) Sunshine could be removed from our care at any time because we acted in her best interests, 3) Sunshine, apparently, doesn't care, in fact, she WANTS to be moved, 4) Sunshine has made it clear that BB is her real mommy and is the only one that she cares about.

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I feel like for the past year, we have been so carefully walking on broken glass, that we have damaged our chances.
I am so sick of hearing psychologists say "if only she had been put in a safe, stable home before she turned...(one, two, three, four)..." I want to hurt people when I hear it. She wasn't, she was left in an abusive home and a poor fitting foster home for at least two years because the mental health and medical health professionals who were required to see her no less than every other month, and who had her stay in their facility for more than one week, didn't make the reports, the steps, the attention to get her to a safe place sooner. And they act like it's our fault. And yet we have to keep them because they are the only ones who have had knowledge of Sunshine her whole life.
The medical staff we need are only in a few hospitals in the United States. We are blessed to be patients at one of The.Best. (And the CF team at Children's is Good. They were protective of Sunshine until we earned their trust, they work with us and love us for our tendency to research, ask, and talk to experienced CF parents - who I just happened to be raised with. And now, they listen and reflect and advise, they stopped bullying and being standoffish. They are kind and caring and supportive.)
Unfortunately, the mental health staff here seem to minimize the significance of the RAD, saying things like the PTSD should be cured first, and that the FAS and possible Autism spectrum issues are more important. It's as though they don't know that RAD can mimic PTSD, ADHD, and a disgusting milieu of other issues including some symptoms of FAS, and PDD.
Aren't they aware that if the RAD is taken care of, the other issues will be,at minimum, drastically decreased? Do they really think she doesn't have a chance?

I feel so inept as a parent. I have been circling everyone trying to earn their trust and support, so that now, I see that while we need to have them, we need to overrule them, we need to be able to transform from kittens to bears and back in a breath. We need to know all of the medications and their potential for help and damage, we need to be able to figure out how to demand change and demand stability. We must be constantly vigil of the fact that the doctors write reports which can be interpreted to make us sound abusive, inept, and unfit at any moment; yet they don't say anything against us.
We are against medicating our daughter. But we see that, at this moment, she might need them. We have been operating on the premise that she does. Partially because we had no choice. We were "just foster parents".
Now... now I wonder what would happen if we just weened her off of everything. If we only gave her 2-3mg of melatonin at night and let her have the rest full force. Could she heal like that? Could we parent like that?

I with there were someone who could really teach us to parent Sunshine. She's not "parenting class" material. She would tear that teacher to pieces, put them on skewers and kabob them over a fire made of their own hair and clothes.
I am scared of what could happen, what will happen, what won't happen, and how.
I'm afraid of not being strong enough.
I terrified of doing more damage.
I feel so weak and broken and inept. I am trying to find the way to fake it and I don't know where to turn.

My wife and I were not prepared for this, but we have to fix it. We have been fenced in at every stop, and now we have to find a way to take down fences without ruffling feathers, lest someone decides they've screwed up enough and now they feel the need to "protect" Sunshine from the first safe thing she's seen.

I try to stay so determined and steady.

Part of me feels so stupid.

Part of me feels hopeless.