almost disclosure...

she almost disclosed about the abuses that have happened to her. This is not the first time she's wanted to, but she just can't get it out.

This will be graphic to some of you, so please, stop reading, I need to document.

At the store K started to lose control tonight. She was spiraling, spiraling, spiraling. She was trying to be violent in the car and was very upset when she was strapped in according to her safety plan and therefore could not get out of her carseat. I reached behind me while driving and grabbed her bare foot. She freaked out and started sobbing, yelling to be let go of. M started talking to her, telling her that she was upset that I had her foot because it made her start to calm down (yeeeaaaaahhhhhh), that she was afraid to calm down because when she started to calm, she also started to think (YEEAAhhhh) that when she started to think, she thought of the scary stuff that had happened to her (yeah and I get scared and i don't want to think about it because)...

K said that when she was with B she didn't have an alarm on her door and they kept all the doors and windows open and didn't close her bedroom door and some body came into her room when she was sleeping and put their hand on her belly and down her belly and they smelled different (she later described the smell of roses). And when she tried to scream they stuck her hand in her mouth so her had to be quiet.
She was bawling uncontrollably and shaking from head to toe.

... after this, she changed the subject to safer ones and started discussing happier things.

When she got home, she tried to bring up the emotions she was feeling and peed on the floor, fought and tongued her meds and tried to make herself vomit. When this all failed and she went to bed fairly peaceably, falling asleep within thirty minutes.

***We did not call the county because we've done this before and 1)this was not an actual disclosure, 2)she is not able to be coherent, 3)she is not able to identify anyone or any specific actions or body parts (she has the words and actions, uses them regularly, exhaustingly, and gleefully), 4)she is not yet able to discuss the actual event, 5) she has been interviewed by the forensic interviewer and they said she is not ready, we need to wait until she is able to just talk about it, and that we will know just like we have known before.

This is an important night. It is a step closer to her finding a trusting place, and hopefully a connection with us in which she trusts us enough to trust the forensics team. She might never get there. But she was able to tell us this much.