AND ignore positive behavior???
HUH?
She had a great morning. Rode in the car, was respectful, recovered from small infractions, watched the baseball game the same way a "normal" five year old could be expected to, rode BACK HOME well. So, we stopped a few miles from home and got her a reward for her excellent behavior - ICE CREAM -. before I handed it to her, heck before she knew she got anything, I told her, "LMS, you made very good choices today. You rode well in the car, you thought before you acted out, I am proud of you. Because of your great choices, I want to give you a reward. Ice cream. Now, remember, you get this because you made good choices. Remember, we have to keep making good choices so we know that you can get to have yummy treats without changing your behavior." I handed her the ice cream and she ate it. She maintained her behaviors until we got home. then she sneaked the GPS machine *after* being told specifically to leave it where it was, THEN she sneaked out of the house (mind you, only to the car, but again, after being told not to leave the house). We had to run a five minute errand and she wanted to go caching after. She chose to have a melt down and try to ruin the trip. Hitting, biting, pinching in the store, kicking, hitting, unbuckling the car seat in the car. I say chose because she was in complete control at all times. It made me think of Corey's Vivi. ON. OFF. ON. OFF. ON.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
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*Heavy sigh* Unfortunately this is oh so familiar. J was the same way. The girl couldn't accept a compliment for like 3 forevers. Thought she'd never get there. I finally started giving a treat and never, ever mentioned why. She knew why she just couldn't handle the comments.
ReplyDeleteNow....lo and behold...I have another one exactly. the. same. way. *another heavy sigh*
Yep.
ReplyDeleteSome people would say: She had the bad behavior after the treat because she felt shame that the got the treat because she has poor self-esteem and does not believe she deserves the treat.
Some would say: She had the bad behavior because look how long she strung together good behavior and she's recovering from trauma and there are limits to what she can do.
Some would say: She had the bad behavior because she has always had to be in control.. she learned at an early age that adults are not to be trusted and that the only one that she can rely on is herself.. so when she starts to relax and please you in any way, she has a fear response that she is allowing YOU to be in control and that you will hurt her.
I have no idea. Seriously. It's like a roller coaster. I think the important thing is to try and remember (as hard as it is) that it's not personal. It's "broken brain." That switch flips, the wiring is off.. and while it LOOKS like they are in control of it.. and in some ways they are.. no child.. no NORMAL child.. would choose to live like our kids live. Because as hard as it is to parent them.. it has to be even harder to BE them. xoxo
My daughter (who is scary smart) has always disliked being praised. She acts exactly the same as she does when she is being corrected. I think she knows that praise/approval and discipline/disapproval are two sides of the same coin of judgement. We find that she does better overall when we don't do a lot of direct praising. It surprised us. Our mutual good-feeling when she behaves well seems like enough reinforcement for her.
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